Happy fairy dust

It has been a slow crawl getting over this cold. We are finally feeling better but still have some residual lethargy (me) and runny nose (Abby).

Last weekend was Easter and my mom came to stay with us for three nights. We had hoped to go to an Easter egg hunt at the Marina Park in Comox but were too sick to bother. Instead my mom cooked us dinner and we mostly spent a quiet weekend at home just hanging out which was really nice too.

I have had a few bites on the jobhunt, three interviews. I haven't secured anything yet. I had a phone interview with CIBC that I thought went pretty well. It is only two days a week and it's in Campbell River which is more than a half hour drive from here but it is something. At this point I just want some money coming in, anything at all. I had a tough week mentally because though I had Abby in daycare for three days I didn't feel like I made much progress. Tuesday and Wednesday I spent on the couch, Thursday I hit a mental low. I had been sick for over a week, I hadn't got a job yet and I sank into a negative spiral of thoughts in my head.

I spent the day with Abby at home and it was one of those days where I had Sesame street on tv for her all day while I mostly laid on the couch and sulked about my life. Sitting in a negative headspace like that seems to perpetuate itself. I feel awful, I don't like feeling awful, I feel awful about feeling awful and so it goes.

I thought about my husband and every bad thing that had ever happened in our marriage. I thought about how it isn't getting any better. It's not getting any worse, we are in a stagnant limbo. Even when we talk on the phone we just talk about our days and Abby, we have been separated for 6 weeks and we never talk about why we are apart. I realized that I want the relationship that we had to be over. We had fallen into patterns in our behaviour towards each other that seemed to just go around and around in circles. If there is a future for us it needs to be on different terms and a whole new footing. I don't want to go backwards. For my own peace of mind I need to move on and not have a hope that he will someday call me and say all the things I want to hear. If I hang on to that hope I can not really step into my own life because I still have a foot in my old one. I was still waiting for him to do something and wondering why he wasn't doing it. I realized it doesn't matter why, it just matters that the relationship does not meet my needs and hasn't for a long time. I want to let go of blame. I don't want to harbour resentment or guilt, I just want to let it go. Just accept it for what it is and was and move on.

The next day I phoned him up and told him this. He said nothing. It was the last conversation where I expect him to say something.

Friday I was out of my funk and I felt my optimism start to return. I sent out a bunch of resumes and felt positive about life once again. I think sometimes I just need to wallow for a day or so. Give myself five minutes to feel sorry for myself and then move on. I made Abby a nice dinner of stir fry veggies with udon and she ate a huge amount. She has been eating like a bird for over a week since she's been sick and I was starting to get a little worried about her.

Saturday morning we checked out the farmers market. It was exactly how I would paint a farmers market if I were to imagine one. It is outside at the exhibition grounds. There was a guy with a guitar playing Bob Marley and CCR songs. There was hay bales in front of him for the kids to sit on. There were tons of stands, a really good mix of stuff. Farm eggs, produce, organic, seeds, things made out of bees wax, preserves and hippies everywhere! I bought Abby a strawberry popsicle. She didn't understand what it was but was proud to wield it nonetheless as most of the kids had one. She loved all the people and noise and excitement. At one point she just started running around laughing. There were a couple of other kids running around laughing so they made fast friends and ran around laughing together.

I bought some apple cider vinegar and an eggplant that was so perfectly formed it didn't even look real. On our second lap I took Abby's popsicle away because it was melting and instead of eating it she was mostly just smearing it on herself and me and anyone who passed by her too closely. She got a little upset with me and ran off. I dragged her out from under a truck by the leg and tried to give her a stern talking to about running away from mummy in a public place. It didn't have much impact, she took off again about 2 minutes later, so I tried holding her hand which triggered a full on melt down. I ended up carrying her out upside down so she couldn't punch me in the face. In summary we had a great time until I took her popsicle away.

Sunday Abby had a bad day. Parents know some days your child is whiny and difficult for seemingly no reason. There is nothing that will console them and they tug at your clothes and wipe snot on you so continuously you feel a little rubber band snap in your brain and you feel like you are permanently a little crazier than you were yesterday. We had to get out of the house so I took Abby to Puntledge Park which is on Puntledge river.

There was a lovely little playground where she met some kids her size to play with and I met some nice mommys. The park itself is adorable, the river is accessible and probably a major destination in the heat of summer. Like so many places here, it is pretty and it feels good to be there. Once we were done with the playground I asked Abby if she wanted to go for a little walk, she said yes and took of running for the river. I hung back to snap this cute picture of her.

She bent down on the edge of the river, lost her footing and fell over. I was not within reach to catch her but luckily she fell backwards onto the bank not forwards into the river. With my heart pounding in my throat I crouched down behind her and put an arm securely around her so she could look down into the rushing water. She didn't like being held onto and began wildly kicking her legs. One of her boots flew off her foot and landed in the river below just out of reach of my short arms.

The boot was wedged on a rock staring at me, just out of reach. I didn't want to try putting her down on the bank and laying down, stretching out my arm to retrieve it. I took a quick scan around, and not seeing a stick of appropriate length I made the executive decision to call it a day and head home. Once again I carried her to the car upside down so she couldn't punch me in the face. It seems the closer she gets to two, the more things end in tears.

I stopped at the Superstore on the way home as they had a sale on diapers. (they were sold out of her brand in her size) I was about to completely lose my mind. Then I had a phone call from a friend who lives near the park. I had texted him to see if he was around when we went down there. I relayed the lost boot saga and he went down to the river with a golf club to fish out the fugitive wellington.

On arrival home Abby was straight to bed with a bottle for a nap, and I knit and watched Netflix until I was calm. After about 2 hours I went to check on Abby assuming she was ready to get up. Sometimes she wakes up from a nap and just hangs out in her bed for a while. This time she was still fast asleep, on her face, bum in the air. I returned to the living room, wrapped myself in the closest blanket which just happened to be a bright pink and purple hello kitty one, and dozed on the couch for another hour or so.

I had the back sliding door open so there was a spring scented breeze floating into the house. I could hear birds, and lawnmowers around the neighbourhood. I didn't go right to sleep, like I said I dozed but when I returned to full conciousness it was with a non deliberate smile on my face. I felt like something had come into the house when my eyes were closed and sprinkled happy fairy dust around. The crazy stressed feeling from earlier in the day had evaporated and I suddenly felt calm, and happy for no particular reason. There is a good energy here. I don't know if it's this house or Courtenay or where it comes from exactly. But if I am quiet and still it seems to find me when I need it.

Staying Positive

Abby and I survived her first week of daycare. She is just enrolled part time for this month and we will hopefully start full time next month because hopefully I will be gainfully employed.

I spent all of Tuesday morning driving around handing out resumes. I had one interview on the spot which was a little encouraging. I had a good conversation with the deli manager at Thrifty's which quickly went south when he inquired about my availability. I informed him I am a single parent and unfortunately my availability is based on the availability of childcare. He said he couldn't hire someone for Monday to Friday days because it wasn't "fair" to everyone else. I disagreed with his definition of "fair." I don't know how many of them are single parents of a toddler, but I would assume none of them are if they are more employable than me solely based on their time flexibility. I wanted to punch the guy in the face but instead politely explained it wasn't by choice. I mean it's not like I'm being some sort of prissy princess who just wants her evenings free because I assure you my evenings are not free.

I had this response at a few other places too. Men and women will only be truly equal when we have accessible affordable childcare in this country. Even with couples who raise children as a team, someone still has to make the sacrifice. I also had quite a number of places (like all the banks) tell me they only accept applications online which I also think is crap, especially when you are hiring for a customer service position. I know when I used to hire, a resume was only part of the picture. I liked to look someone in the eye, see how they presented themselves, and get an idea of how they were going to represent the company to the customer.

I sent in a bunch of online applications. I am trying my best to stay positive. I hate job hunting, there is so much effort for so much rejection. I tell myself so far things are working out. I was worried about where we would live and we found an amazing place for a great price. I was worried about daycare and I found a good one that Abby loves that is also affordable. So I remind myself that I will find a job that pays enough, it is the final piece. I hold this faith and put my energy out into the universe.

I applied for a whole bunch of different things. From customer service manager at Wal-Mart to Food inspector, to reading gas meters (which actually sounds like a kind of cool job). I applied for about eight jobs with the Vancouver Island health authority, everything I was qualified for, like housekeeping, and food services. Any of those would be pretty cool too, as they pay well and I would really like to be in a different environment than retail. Not that I dislike retail, I love talking to people all day, I am just ready for a change of scene.

Abby loves her daycare. I literally dragged her out of there kicking and screaming on Tuesday. Wednesday I left her there a little later and she was ready to come home. When I dropped her off, she hugged me, waved bye bye, and ran in to play with her friends. When I picked her up, she hugged me, waved bye bye to her friends and sat down to put her boots on and come with me.

It's really nice to hang out with her in the evening when she has had a full day of fun and games with kids her age, and I haven't spent all day telling her not to do things. She has been more cuddly with me, and has a big story to tell me all about her day when we are driving home in the car. This week I have had a taste of us having separate lives during the day and so far it seems to be a positive thing for both of us. I didn't realize how much I was worrying about it until I wasn't worrying anymore.

Unfortunately she has already brought a cold home from daycare with her. I knew it would happen, that many kids in a small space is just a petri dish for bacteria. Even though the place is so sterile it actually smells like a hospital, I noticed two kids with runny noses and was expecting this. Kids are disgusting, there's always something coming out of them, and they seem to get sticky with no explanation why.

In a way it's nice when she's sick. We spent the whole day cuddled up on the couch watching movies and Sesame Street. She is not much of a cuddler, she always wants to be moving around and doing stuff so on the rare occasion she isn't feeling well it's a bit of a treat for me to snuggle with her for hours and dote on her a bit. I'm sick too, which isn't as nice but I'll live.

2 beaches in 2 days

Abby started daycare today. All the time at the Toy Library seems to have prepared her for the environment, she ran in to play with the other kids and hardly looked back. I hung around talking to the lady there for about 20 minutes or so and when Abby hadn't even looked over at me I thought it was safe to sneak out. I didn't cry in the car in the parking lot like I expected to. I could have, but I held back. I've already cried about it, I don't need to keep doing it.

I had a hair appointment on the other side of town so I headed there. My Dad called the welcome wagon and let them know I was new in town, so last Thursday a lovely woman named Mary-Lou or something came to the house with a huge basket of stuff. Among the bounty was a $10 off at Chatters hair salon. I needed to clean up my hair and normalize the colour so I can go job hunting. I went with a dark brown but the purple-red colour it was bled through a little not in a bad way. I had a lot of length taken off and am a little worried how short it will be when I wear it curly. I went to Reitman's and bought a new pair of dress pants as my other ones are too big now, and a new top. I had planned on coming home printing some resumes and heading out again, but when I looked in the mirror at Reitman's I was horrified to see a large amount of hair dye staining my forehead. Here's a helpful tip if this happens to you. Baby wipes are soaked in magic fairy dust and remove absolutely anything. I had discovered earlier this month how efficient they are at removing ball point pen from a toddlers face and was pleasantly surprised at how they tackled hair dye. Baby oil managed to get the final traces off.

I had lunch and printed off some resumes, and I just wanted to chill out for a couple of hours until I had to pick Abby up. I have not had a break from being mommy for a long time and I just wanted to enjoy a few quiet hours to myself.

When I collected Abby from daycare, (an hour early because I just couldn't stand it anymore), she was eating a snack and pointed to me when I came in like "hey! mom's here!" She didn't want to leave. They were quite impressed with how she just sort of joined in and made friends, and she even napped at nap time. It is a bit of a weight off me knowing that she is happy and well taken care of during the day. Tomorrow I will blitz the entire Comox valley with resumes. I might even end up with two part time jobs, which will be fine as I will be able to meet more people.

We had a busy weekend. I felt like this was the end of this chapter in our lives and I wanted to do some fun things before life gets busy. I finally took her to Saratoga beach. This is the beach I spent summer vacations on for my entire childhood. We stopped at the Lucky Dollar and picked up some pepperoni cheese sticks. Sort of long cheese buns wrapped around a pepperoni stick. They were always the favourite in our family and Abby loved it.

I love this beach. The resort we used to stay at is gone but I still feel so happy and at peace on the beach. I love the smell of salt-soaked, sun-bleached driftwood. I feel like I am home. When I die I want to be cremated and have my ashes mixed into the sand. I promised Abby we would spend as many days there in the summer as we can. She was pretty upset when we left, like she felt the good feeling too and didn't want to leave. 

Yesterday we got some dinner and went to Goose Spit in Comox. As I was driving down an ordinary suburban road I caught myself thinking how happy I am to live here. Of all the places I have lived I have never felt like I am in my forever home, everywhere else I have lived has felt temporary. As this thought crossed my mind the traffic in front of me suddenly stopped in both directions to allow a family of deer to safely cross the road and I smiled because if I loved it before, here was another reason. 

Goose spit was a great place to spend the evening. Some dinner and hanging out on the beach in 17 degree weather in April is a pretty perfect evening as far as I'm concerned. Abby had a great time discovering rocks and sticks and shells. there were people having dinner just like us. There were people in kayaks paddling around, and there were even a few people flying kites. I love Island life. 

She was having a great time filling things with rocks. When we got home, I was standing at the sink rinsing out her sippy cup when I was hit in the leg from behind with a small pebble. I chastised her for throwing rocks - at mummy - in the house. Wondering where it came from. I lifted her onto the change table to get her ready for bed and as I dropped her hoodie on the floor it made a dull thudding noise. Her pockets were completely full of rocks. She thought they were so great she brought as many home as she could fit in her pockets. 

Daycare - Check!

I phoned every daycare in Comox and Courtenay listed in the Canpages. Of the ones that actually answered the phone, about half didn't take children younger than 30 months, and only one had a space. I made an appointment for Tuesday morning and crossed my fingers that the place wasn't a dump. It is in Comox which is technically the town next door, but even after hitting the Starbucks drive thru it only took me ten minutes to get there.

The place was nice, a converted house I think. There was a lot of outside space to play. Inside the kids were segregated into under 30 months and over 30 months. There must be some regulations about age and number of caregivers in BC or something. I brought Abby in there and she took off, so happy to play with some other kids and interested in all the new toys everywhere. I managed to corral her into the toddler / baby room where she will be spending her days. We were about 20 minutes early to meet the director, or manager or owner or boss or whatever. The lady that runs the place. So I took the opportunity to talk to a couple of moms that were dropping off their kids and get a tour by one of the ladies that worked there. They were all really nice, the moms all had positive things to say and seemed quite friendly with the staff.

The staff were really warm and approachable. One of the ladies was sitting on the floor with a book covered in toddlers. They seemed affectionate and caring, and patient. The boss lady arrived and we sat down in the office which was a messy desk, a couch and a bunch of child paraphenalia like toys, and cars-eats and stuff. I actually appreciated that there seemed to more time spent on the kids area than the office - priorities. She told me she started a daycare in her home 14 years ago when her first child was born because she could not find care for a child his age. After about a year and a half she moved the business out of her house and into larger premises. They are one of the only daycares around that take little babies. She has since had several more kids I like the idea of leaving Abby with another mom.

The cost is definitely on the more reasonable end, but I have to send her with lunch and snacks everyday and she would have her own cubby that I have to keep stocked with diapers and wipes etc. So that might explain the low cost. They help with potty training, they have a discipline philosophy that is very much in line with my own, so I think this will be a good place.

An unfortunate reality of almost all daycare in the limited hours. They are only open from 7:30 to 5:30. So I will be applying at every bank in the Comox Valley. If I have to work Saturdays I will have to find somewhere else for her to go which will increase the cost. There is not going to be a perfect situation here, but I will just have to work things out the best way I can.

I find comfort in the thought that a month or so from now, all the pieces should be in place. Abby will be familiar with the staff there and have made friends with the kids. She will have consistency in her life even if I am not there.

A new phase of our life is starting. For the last 20 months or so her and I have been together almost all the time, I'd say a good 95% of the time. I have not been away from her for more than a handful of nights, and just a few hours at a time other than that. Soon she will have a daily life that belongs to her and does not include me, and I will have the same. It is not a bad thing, but it tells me that this time together is over and we will never have it back. I told the daycare I would like to start her on Monday so I could have the next week or so to really make the time count and get emotionally ready for this next phase.

I feel good about the time. I think I have given her a good start. We have had a lot of fun and I send her off on her own confident, curious, secure, independent, inquisitive, and joyful. I can pat myself on the back and feel like I have done pretty well so far with this mom thing. I will always be grateful to Cam for carrying the financial burden this far so Abby and I could have this extended time together. I know at times it has been a heavy burden for him to carry.

All falls down

I did not have a good day yesterday. I looked into some local daycares and was a little shocked at the cost of full time daycare for a child Abby's age. I then looked up the government daycare subsidy and learned that I will need an income before I can apply for it. I also learned that I have to fill in my husbands financial information and there is a good chance I wont qualify for subsidy because of what he makes.

I then looked up the divorce act and found that daycare costs are not included in child support. We have worked out a number between us that we are both comfortable with. I will have to get some legal paperwork drafted up so I can increase my child tax benefit and the daycare cost thing just makes it more complicated.

I also read up on increasing the child tax benefit and found that I cant even start the paperwork until we have been separated for 90 days, which goes back to the whole putting it on paper thing. They will back date the cheques to a month after separation so the money will come, I will just have to wait. I wasn't exactly defeated, I just felt like the mountain I have to climb got a whole lot bigger.

All this stuff swirled around in my head as I tried to go about my day. Giving Abby her meals, dealing with her crazy toddlerness, going to the grocery store again because I forgot milk the day before and stressing about using the gas in my car and wondering how many jugs of milk I will need in between now and when I get a paycheque.

Abby wanted to go to bed early and I told her I would just give her a bottle, no bath tonight Mommy is tired. I got her bottle, went into her room, and she was in the bathroom pointing at the bath. I said "fine" and began to run her bath at which point she found her bottle and came into the bathroom drinking it. She poured water on me from the bath more than once, physically fought me when I put her diaper and pyjamas on, then freaked out because she didn't have her favourite soft toy to go to bed with (mermaid Dora).

I was so at the end of my rope I practically dumped her in her crib, and as I closed her door behind me, I did not even have it in me to tell her goodnight and the guilt, and the feeling of failure hit me so hard I fell to my knees in the hallway outside her room and cried and cried. I have been trying so hard to just get one foot in front of the other and do what needs to be done. Every time I do something more things get added to the list. If I manage to do one thing in a day that is a good day. I have been holding it together and last night I finally let myself fall apart.

When I stopped crying I dropped myself on the couch, watched a whole season of Weeds and ate half of the box of Girl Guide cookies I bought at the store earlier that day. Weeds was a good choice, because though I don't plan on selling drugs to get by, I was reminded that single moms do it all the time, and no one ever says it's easy.

Today I actually felt better. For the first time since I moved here a calm had come over me. Sometimes I just have to let things fall apart before I can put them back together.

I phoned almost all of the daycares in Courtenay and Comox. At least half of them didn't take kids under 30 months. Of the ones that took kids her age, and actually answered the phone, only one had a space. We're going down there tomorrow morning at 9 to check it out. I explained the situation, new in town, need part time to start, full time later, and they seemed able to accommodate. Hopefully I will like the place and I can just get her in there without having to go all over town. So far it is my only option, so I kind of need it to work out.

My mom is coming to visit us Easter weekend for a few days, and I heard from my mother in law today who is also planning a trip. It will be nice to see them. Abby will definitely appreciate some Grandma love.

This afternoon I took Abby to Comox mall just to have a poke around. Comox mall is one of those small town malls that always seems half empty, like they just cant seem to keep businesses in there. It has always been this way. When I was a kid and staying with my Grandparents I would walk down there, as there was little else to do in Comox, and it seemed every time I came to visit there were new stores and closed stores. Except for the five or so that have always been there.

After the mall I took Abby down to the wharf to run around. Another place that holds a lot of good memories for me. She refused to leave Mermaid Dora in the car and I was so worried she was going to drop her in the water. I don't know what Abby's perception of all this is. I know I am the only person in her world, and we are in a new place. She has grown very attached to this stuffed toy. When I say she comes everywhere, I mean she sits at the table with us, goes grocery shopping, goes for a walk, and of course if Abby gets into bed and doesn't have her, she will yell "DOWA!!!" until I find and deliver her precious friend.

Abby had a great time running around on the pier. We met some dogs, some other kids and some nice people. I love how everyone will have a conversation with you here, everyone is so friendly. I think Dora liked the wharf too.

Kye Bay

Today we found the public health office. I thought I would be able to just walk in there and get Abby's immunization records but nothing is that simple. I filled in a form, which will be submitted to High Level and when they fax the records back, the Courtenay office will phone me and make an appointment because she is due for her 18 month round of shots.

We are one step closer but I didn't really feel like I accomplished anything. After Abby went down for her nap I started to prepare some food. I had some things planned so I had some meals in the freezer. I chopped up an enormous yam and realized I had neglected to pack any of my casserole dishes. I thought about going to the Dollarama when Abby got up but by the time she was awake I had mentally given up and we went to the beach instead.

I took her to Kye Bay which is about a 10 or 15 minute drive from our house. It is a huge expanse of sand, the tide is always way out, and it is so big it never feels crowded. Today we were the only people there.

One of the reasons I moved to Courtenay is so I can fill her childhood with days like this. She was a little hesitant at first. I think all the open space and the vastness of the ocean was a lot for her to take in. I carried her across the rocks down to the sand and she held on to me, resting her head against my shoulder. She wasn't upset or anxious but I think she just needed some reassurance.

Once I placed her on the sand and pointed out the shells all over the place she was into it. She loved all the shells and the shallow water. She found a little dead crab, pulled all the legs off it, then gave it a taste. She was so horrified I wiped her tongue off with my sweater. I tried to tell her "nothing at the beach goes in your mouth!" 

It occurred to me that I should have had the foresight to put boots on her, and maybe it is the right time in my life for me to get some too. When we came back we got caught on a sandbar and I had to walk through ankle deep water to get us back to the car. Truthfully I loved the feel of the water in my shoes. I almost just took my shoes off. That's what I would have done as a kid when I spent summer vacations on a beach just like this one. 

That's what Vancouver Island does to me, it makes me feel free enough to wade through the ocean, and get wet just to indulge in the sensation of it. I don't worry about my feet being wet or ruining my shoes, I just love to be there in the moment. Those are the things I want for Abby in her childhood. 

Coming along

Sunday night my Dad and best friend headed back to Vancouver. I broke down into sobs as I watched them pull out of the driveway. Reality hit and I was really alone. I looked at Abby and cried more. Terrified by the thought that I am the only thing standing in between her and certain death.

I played with her on the floor and we had leftover pizza for dinner. I welled up every time I looked at her. She looked back at me cocking her head slightly wondering why mommy was crying. This isn't what I wanted for her.

Monday I returned the U-Haul. It was actually due back on Saturday but they were closed. Courtenay is exponentially bigger than High Level but it is still a small town. They took it back on Monday with no issue understanding why it was late. I then checked out Target for a tv stand, having no luck we headed home to wait for the Telus guy.

I ordered the deal where you get 3 years of optik tv and they give you a free 42inch smart tv. So I was really excited when the guy showed up. Unfortunately they mail you the tv, the guy didn't have one in his van. So they hooked up my internet and installed all the stuff for the tv, and will charge me for tv even though it could take up to 4 weeks for it to arrive. I suppose most people are not in that predicament. He was surprised I didn't have one. (I did manage to borrow one from someone but more on that later).

The next day was Tuesday and I had planned to follow up on a bunch of resumes I sent out in the last couple of weeks. I didn't get very far, I got a handful of different responses ranging from "thank you for following up, we haven't scheduled interviews yet", to "you should come in to the office and talk to so-and-so". I realized that I need to find Abby a daycare first. I'm thinking just half days, or a couple of days a week so I have some time to hit the streets and get to interviews etc. So I changed tactics and began to look for day cares online.

I have to find a government accredited daycare so I qualify for a subsidy from the government. There are tons in Courtenay, but after reading through the websites I learned I need to bring copies of her immunization records. I don't have that. I don't know where they are but they are not here. So I had to phone her old doctor in Maple Ridge, who will be mailing them. And I had to call Alberta health to get them sent to the public health office here.

Yesterday I felt defeated. I managed to tick a few more things off my list like setting up a hyrdo account and changing my phone number to a local one. I was so thankful for my big soaker tub and my huge spa like bathroom.

I unpacked all the bathroom stuff and put all the spa like stuff in a basket by the tub. Epsom salts, salt scrubs, anything to do with feet. I locked myself in the bathroom last night with a movie on my laptop and treated myself to some well deserved maintenance for like 2 hours. It was actually really fantastic.

Today I had planned to take Abby somewhere cool, like beach or something. Of course it is windy and raining so it was stay at home and do laundry day. I think I will light a fire in the fireplace tonight.

I started this week trying to get a good start right out of the gate. I was going to have a job and have Abby in daycare by the end of the week. That turned out to be impossible. I have now adopted a new attitude called "What can I do about it right now?" I do everything I can do now and not let myself worry or feel anxious about what is not happening or what I have no control over.

I found a couple of play groups in town I am going to check out next week. I also found some women working on setting up a Toy Library in Courtenay. I got in touch with them through facebook and put my e-mail on the list for volunteers. They have a fundraiser coming up and I thought it would be a good way to make a friend or two and get a toe into the community. I did it in High Level, I can do it here too.

The house is almost all unpacked. I found a $25 tv stand and a $10 coffee table at the Salvation Army. The tv stand is nice but the coffee table is pretty banged up. It looks good from this angle but the top looks like someone dragged it behind their car. I plan to spray paint it flat black.

Abby is loving her new house. I keep all the doors closed except for hers and she has taken to playing in her closet. There is a lot of room for her to run around. I designated the bottom row on the book shelf for her and yesterday she brought her chair over, lay a blanket over her knees and settled down to read a book. 

I have plans to make curtains for the living room and dining room. Also the closets all need proper rails in them. They have these weird trailer tracks in them that require hangers to face the wrong way and my mild OCD has problems with this. Those things will wait until I have some money coming in. I also have big plans for the den which will be a guest room / sewing room. It is going to be a while before I have the resources for that project, but I'm still kind of excited about it. I feel very at home already. I can't believe it's been less than a week. This house seems to hug me, there is a good vibe here.

Island girl

I planned out the move to the island over a couple of days. My best friend agreed to be completely at my disposal but we still had to work around her work schedule. 

Thursday afternoon we went down to the U-Haul in North Vancouver to collect the trailer I had rented. They informed me that they did not have a trailer for me and I had to go out to New Westminster to pick one up. Even though I insisted three times that I had reserved a trailer here, one did not magically appear and the woman was less than sympathetic about my plight. In fact she was not friendly or particularly helpful. Not every U-Haul location is just a U-Haul location, in fact a lot of businesses also rent for them. This was the case in New west. It was some sort of mechanic or something that was closed. 

I got on the phone to head office wondering how they were going to resolve this for me and they suggested we drive out there, take the trailer as the lot was not secured and do the rental over the phone. So we did. The trailer was secured to another truck and really heavy, but between us we managed to un-attach it, then re-attach it to my Blazer. A shout out to my husband and her ex-boyfriend as we can only assume we acquired this skill though ozmosis from dating mechanics. 

I phoned the head office lady back and informed her that I don't have a credit card and could not pay over the phone. She did all the paper work and sent the information back to the North Vancouver location. The not so friendly or helpful woman was going to wait or us so we could pay her. We pulled back into the lot and the woman seemed to have taken an adavan or something because she was not only pleasant but really nice. She commended us for hooking up the trailer almost perfectly, (we had neglected to cross the chains) remarked that U-Haul was hiring if we wanted jobs, praised us for our co-operation and positive attitudes, then hugged me after I paid her. Yup, hugged me.

We headed straight over to the storage unit to clear it out. It was after seven at this point. We got it all packed up, then headed to my besties house to collect some more of my stuff and her bag of clothes for the weekend I finally got to bed around midnight.

Friday I packed up the car, picked up my friend and headed for the ferry. I love the ferry, even when it's an hour late, and so packed full of people there is no where to sit, I still love the ferry. We had dinner, checked out the gift shop hoping for some sort of trinket to mark the occasion. I didn't find anything I liked so we killed time on the outside deck taking selfies.

I like this one

We arrived at the house after a harrowing journey up the island highway. The new highway is like Jekyll and Hyde. If it is a nice clear day you can put your foot down, and make really good time to Courtenay with a calm and relaxing drive. When it is dark and wet it looks like you are driving on the reflective surface of a lake. The lines completely disappear and with the weight of the trailer on the back I was gripping the steering wheel pretty tight at some points. 

We met the property manager at the house and I could not believe the house when I saw it. It is a double wide trailer that is probably about forty or more years old. It is in immaculate condition. It feels like you stepped back in time, it is 1970 and it is brand new. 

There is a small yard, a patio in the back, and a good sized shed. The driveway goes the full length of the house, and will be perfect for Abby to learn to ride a tricycle this summer. There are two small garden beds. The one at the front already has flowers coming up and the one at the back will be perfect for some zucchini, and squash. 

It has a fireplace, two bedrooms, and a den which will be a perfect guest bedroom / sewing room. The master is huge with an enormous bathroom complete with soaker tub.

This house has everything I wanted. When I first walked in it felt so good it was like the house was hugging me and I have this un-shakeable feeling that I have been here before. 

So we are officially islanders! Phase 2 complete, now we start phase 3, job and daycare.

Phase 2

I have organized my move into phases

Phase 1: Get out of High Level
Phase 2: Get to Courtenay
Phase 3: Find daycare and job
Phase 4: Heal

I am all set to move into my new house this Friday. I have co-ordinated my trailer to move my things from the storage unit to my house in Courtenay. I rented a U-haul in High Level to move every thing down a couple of weeks ago and when I reserved the exact same trailer to move the Vancouver Island I found it was twice the price. The man on the other end of the phone at 1-800-U-HAUL told me it has to do with where you are taking the trailer and availability at the destination. I guess a lot of people take things over to the island but not as much comes back. I don't really know but I am not happy about the extra expense.

I plan on loading up the trailer tomorrow night, then grabbing my bestie after work Friday and heading over to the Island. I am borrowing a bunch of furniture from my parents as their house is under renovation and they have to store it all for two months anyway. My Dad will arrive Saturday morning with Abby and we will use the trailer to pick up the borrowed furniture. Everyone is staying at my house for the weekend then they will head back Sunday and Abby and I will be in our new home.

That will be phase 2 complete, and my focus will shift into phase 3. I have already applied for a few jobs in a range of fields. I know I will land exactly where I am supposed to so I'm not stressing about it too much. I can easily find a service industry position, and hopefully a better paying one. For now, for the short term I just need any job that pays over a certain threshold. Once there is money coming in I can relax a little and look for something I actually want to do.

A new problem has arisen: I need new tires. One of the front tires on my car is bulging out on the sides and I am apprehensive about pulling a heavy trailer up the island on it. I priced out 2 tires and am not looking forward to the price tag. It is an extra expense I guess I will have to work in somehow, on top of the extra moving expenses I am stressing a little.

I have to remind myself that even though I am not starting from scratch, building a life takes time and to just do the best I can do today. I have done all the things I need for right now, and all the things I can do today and I need to be at peace with that and remember it will all happen in time.

A new home

I got one step forward in the right direction today and sent the damage deposit and first months rent to my new landlord for our new home. My Dad was in Courtenay this weekend and agreed to meet the landlord for me and hand over the money. I had decided on a 2 bedroom second floor condo in a nice quiet residential neighbourhood.

While he was there the lady from the property management company showed him a different one that was about $100 more but twice the size and a million times better. He reported back to me with his findings insisting that it was the better choice. I googled the address and found the real estate listing (it was just bought by the landlord and I am their first tenant) so I could see pictures. I was sold immediately. It is everything I wanted that I didn't even want to look for because I thought I couldn't afford it. I am organizing all my stuff and people to move this weekend as it is vacant and clean and ready for us to move in!

I will post pictures on here when we get over there, it is not a townhouse and not a condo is all I want to say right now. It is a little more than I had wanted to spend but I thought I would take it and see how it goes, if I am over-extended then I will have to downsize but it is the kind of home I wanted for Abby so I am going to work hard to give it to her. We will be happy there for several years, maybe as long as it takes to get my degree.

Normally when one is looking for somewhere to live you have an income and know what you can afford. I will be looking for a job once I'm over there so I am working out a budget based on what I made before I went on maternity leave. I am hoping to make more than that but if I return to that wage or close to I will be ok. I don't have much wiggle room in the budget for new furniture, at least not for the first couple of months, so it is actually good timing that my parents are renovating their house in Comox.

They have had to put all of their furniture in storage and wont need any of it for several months which means I have lots of time to comb Craigslist for appropriate furnishings. I'm kind of happy to do it that way. I love the idea of spending as little as possible, and being able to refinish, repaint or whatever to make things my own. I have some ideas I would like to try out. It also means that they need somewhere to stay every couple of weeks or so while they supervise the work on their house, and my new abode has plenty of room.

I am excited to get back to work. It has been wonderful to be able to extend my maternity leave and have a year and a half to focus on raising my daughter. I think she is better for it, but now is a good time for her to start daycare. She loves hanging out with other kids and loves to do things and be busy. Her and I have a wonderful close bond yet she is comfortable to be away from me and doesn't panic or freak out at all. I looked into some daycares and found there is subsidy available from the government for people just like me.

I think there should be help available for everyone, one of the barriers for a lot of women in their career is finding affordable daycare. If I still lived with my husband I would not qualify for assistance because he makes too much money. So paying for daycare would suck up so much money it's almost not worth it. A lot of women (and some men, there are more and more men staying home with the kids these days) sacrifice their own goals for their family. Subsidized, government daycare would even things up for everyone.

Next week I have to find daycare and then a job. Hopefully by the end of April I will have all the pieces in place and I can focus on some inner healing. I'm really looking forward to being at work all day, hanging out with Abby, having dinner, putting her to bed and relaxing in the evening. I am aiming for peace and calm in my life.

Daddy Time

Before I left High Level I was trying to secure a townhouse so I had somewhere to go immediately. During all of the packing, and the arguing, and the trying to work things out, (working it out meaning mutually agreeing to not work it out right now). I have been carrying around a heavy bowling ball in my stomach of anxiety. When I am stressed this is how I feel it. It disturbs my digestion, I don't feel like eating and I need help to sleep. I am distracted, easily unnerved and irritable. Yesterday that feeling lifted a little as I have almost secured a lovely home for my daughter and I.

Damage and first months rent will be paid tomorrow and I will have somewhere to rest my head that is my own. It is not the townhouse I was hoping for but more of a condo. The price is right, the location is great (there is a Starbucks a few blocks away) so I am feeling much better about things. 

Today my husband will take our daughter for a "visit". That feels really weird. I don't like the words "custody" and "visitation", they make parenting sound like a chore or something that has boundaries. He has never actually had her on his own for an entire afternoon like this which also feels weird. Since I was at home with her and he has been working so much it has just never worked out that I had anywhere to go by myself for an entire afternoon in High Level, and he was hardly home or awake long enough anyway since he worked nights for the last six months or so. They will be apart for months coming up and if the situation were reversed and I didn't see her for months I think I would die a little inside, or at the very least carry around a big ball of anxiety in my stomach.

She loves her Dad. The love of an 18 month old girl towards her father is such a pure beautiful thing. He would sleep during the day and she would point upstairs and ask "Dada?" She would sneak into our room, climb on the bed and wake him up at any opportunity, and when I went to retrieve her she would yell "Dada!" and cling to him, so proud she had found him and not willing to give him up. Today he held her and she just leaned on him and cuddled. No one will ever love him as much as she does, and he doesn't even have to do anything. her love is completely unconditional. 

I want a cohesive, whole, family unit for her. I want her to know she is standing on something solid. We can do that apart but it will take work, and patience and love just like it does when parents are together. It was hard to look in his eyes today, knowing where we have been and not knowing where we are going. He will leave for a couple of months tomorrow and I don't know when she will see him again. 

A new start

I am turning my life upside down once again and moving to a new town. I am separating from my husband of (almost) 4 years. Before I was with him I had a boyfriend for over seven years, and I sort of overlapped the two of them by a day or so. Since I moved in with that boyfriend very young I have not so far at the age of 31 lived on my own as an adult for any significant amount of time. I have never built a life for myself without having to consider someone else's life, opinions, goals, or feelings. I have tried to fit my life in the cracks of someone else's life and it is not working. I'm not getting anywhere personally. There are things I want to do in my life that I have wanted to do for years that there just never seems to be time for.

I don't blame these two men. I blame myself for allowing it to happen. (twice) I thought playing the role of dutiful supportive wife was a noble position to be in. I never wanted to lose everything and become some sort of martyr. I thought there would be time for what I wanted, and maybe there would be but I am too impatient, I cant put myself aside anymore.

I want to know who I am without someone else. I want to step into my own life and know what the walls look like. How can I merge my life with someone else when I have not defined in my own mind what that is? Who I am? My sense of self is confused, not lost, just confused.

When I left my long term boyfriend I had not wanted to jump into a relationship right away. I was looking forward to making a life for myself. I had dreams of trying out a vegan lifestyle and kayaking with killer whales and doing yoga outside. I planned to get on top of some debts I acquired in my early twenties when I had still not quite wrapped my head around the idea of long term consequences. I wanted to make a home for myself without having someone critique the tea towels I had selected. Things happened quickly with the man that would become my husband, we were so in love and he quickly set about giving me all the things I thought I had wanted with the previous man. A house, a dog, a ring on my finger and a few years later the most beautiful daughter in the world. I did want all those things but I never forgot about the idea of standing on my own two feet.

There was never room for me to get back on my feet as an individual within my marriage. There are a lot of reasons for this, I will focus on the ones I can control. What I could have done differently was "pay myself first." I gave everything I had to my marriage and there was nothing left over for me. I didn't see marriage as 50/50. I saw it 100%/100%. We just didn't see it the same way and I got lost. I did not make myself a priority. I have learned that there are things I should not have been so willing to give up. I have made compromises that I thought I could live with, but I cant. Everyone makes compromises in marriage. We give up little things sometimes for the good of the big picture. I gave things up that I shouldn't have given up and I lost the gamble that it would all pay off in the end.

This new blog is going to be about building a life for myself and my daughter that belongs to us. We are moving to Vancouver Island close to where my grandparents lived (they are both now passed), and down the road from where I spent summer vacations my whole life until around age 20. My parents also have a house nearby they use for a reprieve from the city. I have so many happy memories here and when I was presented with the opportunity to make a home for myself anywhere I want without having to consider someone else's opinion, the choice to me was obvious. I have always wanted to live in the Comox Valley but no one has ever agreed to go with me.

I will be hopefully starting school in September and pursuing a degree I have wanted for too many years. I would be several years done if I had just started when I was first interested. I will never again leave my dreams behind for the sake of someone else's dreams.

Saratoga beach where I spent all my summer vacations as a kid.