Last weekend was Easter and my mom came to stay with us for three nights. We had hoped to go to an Easter egg hunt at the Marina Park in Comox but were too sick to bother. Instead my mom cooked us dinner and we mostly spent a quiet weekend at home just hanging out which was really nice too.
I have had a few bites on the jobhunt, three interviews. I haven't secured anything yet. I had a phone interview with CIBC that I thought went pretty well. It is only two days a week and it's in Campbell River which is more than a half hour drive from here but it is something. At this point I just want some money coming in, anything at all. I had a tough week mentally because though I had Abby in daycare for three days I didn't feel like I made much progress. Tuesday and Wednesday I spent on the couch, Thursday I hit a mental low. I had been sick for over a week, I hadn't got a job yet and I sank into a negative spiral of thoughts in my head.
I spent the day with Abby at home and it was one of those days where I had Sesame street on tv for her all day while I mostly laid on the couch and sulked about my life. Sitting in a negative headspace like that seems to perpetuate itself. I feel awful, I don't like feeling awful, I feel awful about feeling awful and so it goes.
I thought about my husband and every bad thing that had ever happened in our marriage. I thought about how it isn't getting any better. It's not getting any worse, we are in a stagnant limbo. Even when we talk on the phone we just talk about our days and Abby, we have been separated for 6 weeks and we never talk about why we are apart. I realized that I want the relationship that we had to be over. We had fallen into patterns in our behaviour towards each other that seemed to just go around and around in circles. If there is a future for us it needs to be on different terms and a whole new footing. I don't want to go backwards. For my own peace of mind I need to move on and not have a hope that he will someday call me and say all the things I want to hear. If I hang on to that hope I can not really step into my own life because I still have a foot in my old one. I was still waiting for him to do something and wondering why he wasn't doing it. I realized it doesn't matter why, it just matters that the relationship does not meet my needs and hasn't for a long time. I want to let go of blame. I don't want to harbour resentment or guilt, I just want to let it go. Just accept it for what it is and was and move on.
The next day I phoned him up and told him this. He said nothing. It was the last conversation where I expect him to say something.
Friday I was out of my funk and I felt my optimism start to return. I sent out a bunch of resumes and felt positive about life once again. I think sometimes I just need to wallow for a day or so. Give myself five minutes to feel sorry for myself and then move on. I made Abby a nice dinner of stir fry veggies with udon and she ate a huge amount. She has been eating like a bird for over a week since she's been sick and I was starting to get a little worried about her.
Saturday morning we checked out the farmers market. It was exactly how I would paint a farmers market if I were to imagine one. It is outside at the exhibition grounds. There was a guy with a guitar playing Bob Marley and CCR songs. There was hay bales in front of him for the kids to sit on. There were tons of stands, a really good mix of stuff. Farm eggs, produce, organic, seeds, things made out of bees wax, preserves and hippies everywhere! I bought Abby a strawberry popsicle. She didn't understand what it was but was proud to wield it nonetheless as most of the kids had one. She loved all the people and noise and excitement. At one point she just started running around laughing. There were a couple of other kids running around laughing so they made fast friends and ran around laughing together.
I bought some apple cider vinegar and an eggplant that was so perfectly formed it didn't even look real. On our second lap I took Abby's popsicle away because it was melting and instead of eating it she was mostly just smearing it on herself and me and anyone who passed by her too closely. She got a little upset with me and ran off. I dragged her out from under a truck by the leg and tried to give her a stern talking to about running away from mummy in a public place. It didn't have much impact, she took off again about 2 minutes later, so I tried holding her hand which triggered a full on melt down. I ended up carrying her out upside down so she couldn't punch me in the face. In summary we had a great time until I took her popsicle away.
Sunday Abby had a bad day. Parents know some days your child is whiny and difficult for seemingly no reason. There is nothing that will console them and they tug at your clothes and wipe snot on you so continuously you feel a little rubber band snap in your brain and you feel like you are permanently a little crazier than you were yesterday. We had to get out of the house so I took Abby to Puntledge Park which is on Puntledge river.There was a lovely little playground where she met some kids her size to play with and I met some nice mommys. The park itself is adorable, the river is accessible and probably a major destination in the heat of summer. Like so many places here, it is pretty and it feels good to be there. Once we were done with the playground I asked Abby if she wanted to go for a little walk, she said yes and took of running for the river. I hung back to snap this cute picture of her.
She bent down on the edge of the river, lost her footing and fell over. I was not within reach to catch her but luckily she fell backwards onto the bank not forwards into the river. With my heart pounding in my throat I crouched down behind her and put an arm securely around her so she could look down into the rushing water. She didn't like being held onto and began wildly kicking her legs. One of her boots flew off her foot and landed in the river below just out of reach of my short arms.The boot was wedged on a rock staring at me, just out of reach. I didn't want to try putting her down on the bank and laying down, stretching out my arm to retrieve it. I took a quick scan around, and not seeing a stick of appropriate length I made the executive decision to call it a day and head home. Once again I carried her to the car upside down so she couldn't punch me in the face. It seems the closer she gets to two, the more things end in tears.
I stopped at the Superstore on the way home as they had a sale on diapers. (they were sold out of her brand in her size) I was about to completely lose my mind. Then I had a phone call from a friend who lives near the park. I had texted him to see if he was around when we went down there. I relayed the lost boot saga and he went down to the river with a golf club to fish out the fugitive wellington.
On arrival home Abby was straight to bed with a bottle for a nap, and I knit and watched Netflix until I was calm. After about 2 hours I went to check on Abby assuming she was ready to get up. Sometimes she wakes up from a nap and just hangs out in her bed for a while. This time she was still fast asleep, on her face, bum in the air. I returned to the living room, wrapped myself in the closest blanket which just happened to be a bright pink and purple hello kitty one, and dozed on the couch for another hour or so.
I had the back sliding door open so there was a spring scented breeze floating into the house. I could hear birds, and lawnmowers around the neighbourhood. I didn't go right to sleep, like I said I dozed but when I returned to full conciousness it was with a non deliberate smile on my face. I felt like something had come into the house when my eyes were closed and sprinkled happy fairy dust around. The crazy stressed feeling from earlier in the day had evaporated and I suddenly felt calm, and happy for no particular reason. There is a good energy here. I don't know if it's this house or Courtenay or where it comes from exactly. But if I am quiet and still it seems to find me when I need it.
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