I then looked up the divorce act and found that daycare costs are not included in child support. We have worked out a number between us that we are both comfortable with. I will have to get some legal paperwork drafted up so I can increase my child tax benefit and the daycare cost thing just makes it more complicated.
I also read up on increasing the child tax benefit and found that I cant even start the paperwork until we have been separated for 90 days, which goes back to the whole putting it on paper thing. They will back date the cheques to a month after separation so the money will come, I will just have to wait. I wasn't exactly defeated, I just felt like the mountain I have to climb got a whole lot bigger.
All this stuff swirled around in my head as I tried to go about my day. Giving Abby her meals, dealing with her crazy toddlerness, going to the grocery store again because I forgot milk the day before and stressing about using the gas in my car and wondering how many jugs of milk I will need in between now and when I get a paycheque.
Abby wanted to go to bed early and I told her I would just give her a bottle, no bath tonight Mommy is tired. I got her bottle, went into her room, and she was in the bathroom pointing at the bath. I said "fine" and began to run her bath at which point she found her bottle and came into the bathroom drinking it. She poured water on me from the bath more than once, physically fought me when I put her diaper and pyjamas on, then freaked out because she didn't have her favourite soft toy to go to bed with (mermaid Dora).
I was so at the end of my rope I practically dumped her in her crib, and as I closed her door behind me, I did not even have it in me to tell her goodnight and the guilt, and the feeling of failure hit me so hard I fell to my knees in the hallway outside her room and cried and cried. I have been trying so hard to just get one foot in front of the other and do what needs to be done. Every time I do something more things get added to the list. If I manage to do one thing in a day that is a good day. I have been holding it together and last night I finally let myself fall apart.
When I stopped crying I dropped myself on the couch, watched a whole season of Weeds and ate half of the box of Girl Guide cookies I bought at the store earlier that day. Weeds was a good choice, because though I don't plan on selling drugs to get by, I was reminded that single moms do it all the time, and no one ever says it's easy.
Today I actually felt better. For the first time since I moved here a calm had come over me. Sometimes I just have to let things fall apart before I can put them back together.
I phoned almost all of the daycares in Courtenay and Comox. At least half of them didn't take kids under 30 months. Of the ones that took kids her age, and actually answered the phone, only one had a space. We're going down there tomorrow morning at 9 to check it out. I explained the situation, new in town, need part time to start, full time later, and they seemed able to accommodate. Hopefully I will like the place and I can just get her in there without having to go all over town. So far it is my only option, so I kind of need it to work out.
My mom is coming to visit us Easter weekend for a few days, and I heard from my mother in law today who is also planning a trip. It will be nice to see them. Abby will definitely appreciate some Grandma love.
This afternoon I took Abby to Comox mall just to have a poke around. Comox mall is one of those small town malls that always seems half empty, like they just cant seem to keep businesses in there. It has always been this way. When I was a kid and staying with my Grandparents I would walk down there, as there was little else to do in Comox, and it seemed every time I came to visit there were new stores and closed stores. Except for the five or so that have always been there.
After the mall I took Abby down to the wharf to run around. Another place that holds a lot of good memories for me. She refused to leave Mermaid Dora in the car and I was so worried she was going to drop her in the water. I don't know what Abby's perception of all this is. I know I am the only person in her world, and we are in a new place. She has grown very attached to this stuffed toy. When I say she comes everywhere, I mean she sits at the table with us, goes grocery shopping, goes for a walk, and of course if Abby gets into bed and doesn't have her, she will yell "DOWA!!!" until I find and deliver her precious friend.
Abby had a great time running around on the pier. We met some dogs, some other kids and some nice people. I love how everyone will have a conversation with you here, everyone is so friendly. I think Dora liked the wharf too.
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