A new start

I am turning my life upside down once again and moving to a new town. I am separating from my husband of (almost) 4 years. Before I was with him I had a boyfriend for over seven years, and I sort of overlapped the two of them by a day or so. Since I moved in with that boyfriend very young I have not so far at the age of 31 lived on my own as an adult for any significant amount of time. I have never built a life for myself without having to consider someone else's life, opinions, goals, or feelings. I have tried to fit my life in the cracks of someone else's life and it is not working. I'm not getting anywhere personally. There are things I want to do in my life that I have wanted to do for years that there just never seems to be time for.

I don't blame these two men. I blame myself for allowing it to happen. (twice) I thought playing the role of dutiful supportive wife was a noble position to be in. I never wanted to lose everything and become some sort of martyr. I thought there would be time for what I wanted, and maybe there would be but I am too impatient, I cant put myself aside anymore.

I want to know who I am without someone else. I want to step into my own life and know what the walls look like. How can I merge my life with someone else when I have not defined in my own mind what that is? Who I am? My sense of self is confused, not lost, just confused.

When I left my long term boyfriend I had not wanted to jump into a relationship right away. I was looking forward to making a life for myself. I had dreams of trying out a vegan lifestyle and kayaking with killer whales and doing yoga outside. I planned to get on top of some debts I acquired in my early twenties when I had still not quite wrapped my head around the idea of long term consequences. I wanted to make a home for myself without having someone critique the tea towels I had selected. Things happened quickly with the man that would become my husband, we were so in love and he quickly set about giving me all the things I thought I had wanted with the previous man. A house, a dog, a ring on my finger and a few years later the most beautiful daughter in the world. I did want all those things but I never forgot about the idea of standing on my own two feet.

There was never room for me to get back on my feet as an individual within my marriage. There are a lot of reasons for this, I will focus on the ones I can control. What I could have done differently was "pay myself first." I gave everything I had to my marriage and there was nothing left over for me. I didn't see marriage as 50/50. I saw it 100%/100%. We just didn't see it the same way and I got lost. I did not make myself a priority. I have learned that there are things I should not have been so willing to give up. I have made compromises that I thought I could live with, but I cant. Everyone makes compromises in marriage. We give up little things sometimes for the good of the big picture. I gave things up that I shouldn't have given up and I lost the gamble that it would all pay off in the end.

This new blog is going to be about building a life for myself and my daughter that belongs to us. We are moving to Vancouver Island close to where my grandparents lived (they are both now passed), and down the road from where I spent summer vacations my whole life until around age 20. My parents also have a house nearby they use for a reprieve from the city. I have so many happy memories here and when I was presented with the opportunity to make a home for myself anywhere I want without having to consider someone else's opinion, the choice to me was obvious. I have always wanted to live in the Comox Valley but no one has ever agreed to go with me.

I will be hopefully starting school in September and pursuing a degree I have wanted for too many years. I would be several years done if I had just started when I was first interested. I will never again leave my dreams behind for the sake of someone else's dreams.

Saratoga beach where I spent all my summer vacations as a kid.